Monday, February 13, 2006

4 months later

3 days ago i was still in budapest
his school was 5 metres away from my hotel
his home was 20 minutes of walking distance from my hotel
i left a message on his phone
never got a reply

so maybe that's it between us.
but i know i'll keep trying.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

today i got a pair of authentic leather cowboy boots for $10

from a shabby lil' shop on yonge street.
i rock.

and i still miss elek.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


yeah, yeah, i know the last time i posted an etry was 3 weeks ago but you gotta understand i'm a happy 17-year-old (yes, i turned 17!) who has a life which involves getting trashed on a saturday night, crazy shopping, going to parties, studying for tests and working on college applications!

lots of my friends at school have applied early and i couldn't because, i might have mentioned before, my portfolio wasn't ready. damn. and now i'm one of the million regular applicants. gees.

nothing much is happening apart all that i've mentioned in the beginning. i still miss my ex. and i still feel bad for going out with my rebound because my rebound seems not to acknowledge the fact that he's a rebound.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

on a lazy sunday afternoon

i recall a very remarkable experience - i was reading a list of things that women do that drive men away and by the end realized i've put a tick in every checkbox.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


funny how guys will always grasp any chance to show themselves off, while girls always try to pick on flaws and fish for compliments from guys.

funny how lately i've been getting 95s and 100s in all my tests and i don't even have the slightest satisfaction from that.

funny how people are jealous of my crazy collection of polo shirts in evey colour when i still find myself short of tops.

funny how people still keep telling me how hot my ex-boyfriend elek was when i cannot get over the fact that he left me and doesn't even want to keep in touch.

funny how rebound guy tells me he's about to dump his girlfriend who's moved to new jersey and i said "it wasn't too bad an idea since long-distance relationship never works" when i want to keep in contact with elek so badly and constantly have dreams of myself travelling in hungary and running into him.

and allow me to digress -
today a girl in english class just wouldn't lemme forget elek by telling me Hungary is the one country where people have the most sex. i laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and


why is so?

lately it seems to me that everybody around just won't let me forget elek. people talk about him like he's still here with me in toronto. i miss him so much i dream of him every couple of nights but i know he feels the opposite about me. i have always had the idea of looking for him when i graduate from university and have plenty of time in the summer since i know which school he goes to and who his dad is but that's something i'll deal with 6 years later no point talking about it anymore.

my rebound guy likes me a lot and i have a feeling he'll grab and kiss me on our first date and i'm not sure if i would really like that to happen. maybe the concept of having a rebound bf/gf is just wrong. i never could and still cannot even hold hands with a guy i don't like that much. sometimes i wonder how girls have sex with guys they don't like at all. perhaps when it comes to sex it doesn't matter? i have no idea.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

things to be accomplished by September 2006

1. get into cornell, and major in architecture
2. have a 90+ overall average
3. weigh 105 lbs
4. have been to hungary in the summer
5. have a wardrobe of preppy (i.e. non-abercrombie / american eagle) polo shirts in every single colour, nice jeans in different washes, a lot of sexy underwear and nice-fitting t-shirts.
6. have a toned body
7. have a fabulous boyfriend (or, fling) who went to prom with me in april.
8. have saved $400+
9. have long and wavy hair
10. and if i didn't get into cornell, i'll at least end up in one of these:
- rice university
- washington u. at st. louis
- carnegie mellon
- university of notre dame
- mcgill
- waterloo....although i really hate its campus.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

short but significant

today tasha* came into my room to borrow my A&G (it really means geometry and discrete mathematics, but how it got its nickname is a long story that i won't bother to elaborate) notes. i was talking to my mom on the phone and when i finished she, sitting on my floor, looked up and said,

"would you mind if i talk about elek*?"
"oh, of course not. go ahead."

"well he's been gone for more than 2 weeks and i haven't talked to him once."
(i was lying. i tried to phone him, as regular readers would know, but in return had a conversation with a random hungarian couple. i emailed him but he never replied.)
"actually how did you meet?"
"we were at a dance thing, and he asked me for my number. then we joined a ski trip together, went on a few dates afterward and, yeah."

(partly true. we kissed on the ski trip, our first date and it was implied we were going out.)
"i wish i could be like you, getting asked for my number and going out with such a cute guy. but i'm so ugly."
my heart ached. i didn't know what to say because Tasha indeed does not have an especially pretty face and has an extremely athletic body which most guys don't favour, but i think she has a really strong personality which i admired and have always wanted. i'm always too timid and insecure and dependent, which was one of the things elek didn't like about me. but i knew if i said that i would end up sounding fake. so i just said,
"oh Tasha, don't say that."
and fuck it sounded worse than what i intended to say in the first place.

after a short awkward silence we just talked about random school stuff (the Open House Day tomorrow) and she left after a while. Tasha is known in school for a total model student - she gets amazing grades, she's the best swimmer in the team and she holds all these student leader posts. And she apparently tells herself she's ugly all the time. (i need to stress on the fact that she's NOT ugly, but perhaps not the usual type that guys like.)

i guess every person, no matter how perfect, will always have something to be upset with. i'll be lying if i say i shall no longer dwell on my mistakes and flaws, and this short little conversation i had with Tasha definitely would keep me sleepless tonight.

this world will never be a happy place.

*names have been changed to protect me from being chased after by an angry mob if this blog gets found out by somebody that knows me.