Thursday, October 06, 2005

nothing ever means anything to me

don't you hate it when you walk out of a bookstore, fully inspired by a couple of books you've casually flipped through, then found your inspired self deteriorating bit by bit as you pass by shops like "banana republic" and "gap" and end up buying a green zip-up because it was "so cute" and "i mean, it's 50% off!".

i have always admired the so-called nerds for being true to themselves doing what they truly love without wanting to conform. i always fail and surrender to the desire of getting accepted, to the desire of getting rid of my insecurities. often when i'm alone in bookstores or an airport because nobody that i know is with me i act and am so different from my usual (not necessarily real) self i cringe. anyhow. just now i was reading a canadian magazine (good lord i don't even remember its name) in which there was an article on the neverending thin-trend and how the author and her mother cried, lost and gained weight, got sick and died for the sake of losing weight i, with my stomach purposely left empty for a while, felt incredibly stupid. i immediately walked out of chapters and bought a box of 3 lindt chocolate balls from a drugmart and sent them down my esophagus within a minute. 15 minutes later i tried to take bigger, wider steps walking back home because i remembered a thigh-fat-reducing tip from a woman's magazine. shame on me.

i know the more i go on the more this entry will resemble the lyrics from alanis morissette's "ironic" or even worse, bridget jone's diaries so i shall stop here. not in the mood for being funny tonight. not that i'm funny.

however i must say this month i should consider spending more girl-time when i look through the "guys" category on my MSN contact list and realized that i was/am more or less "romantically" linked to each and every one of them.


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