Tuesday, October 11, 2005

short but significant

today tasha* came into my room to borrow my A&G (it really means geometry and discrete mathematics, but how it got its nickname is a long story that i won't bother to elaborate) notes. i was talking to my mom on the phone and when i finished she, sitting on my floor, looked up and said,

"would you mind if i talk about elek*?"
"oh, of course not. go ahead."

"well he's been gone for more than 2 weeks and i haven't talked to him once."
(i was lying. i tried to phone him, as regular readers would know, but in return had a conversation with a random hungarian couple. i emailed him but he never replied.)
"actually how did you meet?"
"we were at a dance thing, and he asked me for my number. then we joined a ski trip together, went on a few dates afterward and, yeah."

(partly true. we kissed on the ski trip, our first date and it was implied we were going out.)
"i wish i could be like you, getting asked for my number and going out with such a cute guy. but i'm so ugly."
my heart ached. i didn't know what to say because Tasha indeed does not have an especially pretty face and has an extremely athletic body which most guys don't favour, but i think she has a really strong personality which i admired and have always wanted. i'm always too timid and insecure and dependent, which was one of the things elek didn't like about me. but i knew if i said that i would end up sounding fake. so i just said,
"oh Tasha, don't say that."
and fuck it sounded worse than what i intended to say in the first place.

after a short awkward silence we just talked about random school stuff (the Open House Day tomorrow) and she left after a while. Tasha is known in school for a total model student - she gets amazing grades, she's the best swimmer in the team and she holds all these student leader posts. And she apparently tells herself she's ugly all the time. (i need to stress on the fact that she's NOT ugly, but perhaps not the usual type that guys like.)

i guess every person, no matter how perfect, will always have something to be upset with. i'll be lying if i say i shall no longer dwell on my mistakes and flaws, and this short little conversation i had with Tasha definitely would keep me sleepless tonight.

this world will never be a happy place.

*names have been changed to protect me from being chased after by an angry mob if this blog gets found out by somebody that knows me.


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